The Homebirth of Lucky No. 3

“FUCK.”  It was Good Friday and we were having an early Easter dinner at our house with family. I was 37 weeks and 7 days pregnant with our third baby and had just gotten one of those tell-tale signs that birth was starting. Unlike many (most?) other pregnant women who are at the end of their pregnancies, I was in no hurry to have this baby out.  In fact, I’d been strategizing for months, with my Naturopath, how to stay pregnant passed my due date.  Carter was just over three. Lily almost 18 months. And I wanted all the extra time I could get to have the “big two” grow up just a smidgen more before the new baby came.  “Nana Angel” (Derek’s mom’s) birthday was just 5 short days past my due date.  I would have loved for this baby to share her birthday or, at the very least, her birthday month. With that being said, being Easter weekend, I had a feeling this baby was coming. I’d said as much to the midwife at, what ended up being, our last prenatal appointment. Carter was born on Halloween, Lily was due on Thanksgiving and, despite my best efforts, it seemed fitting that this baby would come on another notable day

37 weeks 7 days with baby #3. He was born 15 hours later (right in that shower behind me!).

I made my way to the bathroom with my sister-in-law close behind me.  She brought me clean clothes, which I changed into. Then, I went into the kitchen, poured myself a glass of wine and, as all three of the other adults in the room stared at me inquisitively, drank it.   I was daring the labour to start but hoping the wine would relax me enough to stop whatever was happening (I know it sounds crazy but this was advice given to me by a midwife when I was pregnant with Lily.  She said if you’re wondering whether it’s the real deal, try to “stop it” by taking a Tylenol, having a bath and drinking a small glass of wine - if you’re still feeling sensations once you get out, it’s happening.  Maybe run this strategy by your own midwife before trying it yourself).

While I had been feeling little crampy sensations all through dinner, they all but disappeared as we put Carter and Lily to bed and got into bed ourselves.  I was feeling more and more optimistic that this was just primordial labour. Primordial labour is like false labour. It starts and stops over a period of days or weeks, usually happening at night, and is quite common with subsequent babies (and something no sane pregnant person actually hopes for!).  We turned off the light.  I tried to go to sleep.

…Aaaaaand was woken up about an hour later.  I was still in denial. Still clinging onto the hope that by morning the sensations would ease up. I woke Derek up and told him I was going downstairs and made my way to the birth ball. It didn’t take me long to figure out there was no denying it. This baby was picking their own date for their own birthday.

A couple hours later, my mom had arrived to sleep in the spare room and be on big kid duty.  The midwife I’d hoped would be on call was and she was on route after I, hesitantly, told her I thought she should start heading over.  I was hesitant because I really wasn’t sure.  I was managing through contractions quite well, yet something told me I still wanted her there (side note: this is ALWAYS the right time to ask your support team to join you).  She slipped inside from the darkness of the night and joined us in our dimly light room, watching as midwives do, to try and get a feel of where I was.  After a few contractions, she asked if I wanted to be checked to have an idea about where things were at.  We were all shocked when she pegged me at around 8 centimeters (“You can hardly tell you’re in labour!” was her response).  Using my crockpot trick (that you can read about on my blog), I was aware that I was managing the sensations quite well but even I was surprised to hear things were that far along. I thought this last little stretch would be just that – little – and that I was nearly done.  Now that I know where I was, dilation-wise, I felt comfortable moving into the shower.  The shower was my was my last-resort coping tool. And once I got in, I wasn’t getting out, so it was really important to time that transfer well.

Of course, sometimes it happens that you have one plan and Birth has another.  That was the case here.  It took me awhile – way longer than I expected – to finish dilating.  The sun was up and I remember wondering why on earth this was taking so long – it was my THIRD baby and I’d, easily, been labouring longer than I had with Lily.  At this point, this thing should just fall out!

A little bit of background here: I did not use a doula with this birth as I had with Carter and Lily.  Why?  Because Derek had a false understanding about the intensity of birth. I attributed this to a doula doing most of the support with my first two births (which, at the time, I’d wanted).  This time, I wanted him to get a really good idea about all the work that birth entailed – so I made him my doula.  You should also know that this decision was a questionable one because Derek doesn’t handle birth well. In fact, if you birth with a certain group of midwives, there’s a chance you’ve heard about the husband who rocked, head-in-hands, in the corner of the bathroom during his wife’s first homebirth. So, now you understand why one midwife openly laughed during our prenatal visit when I shared my plan to have Derek be my doula… before asking if I really thought it was a good idea!

Anyways, in this moment – as the sun is coming up and I’m wondering why this is taking so long and losing steam – is when I really missed having my doula.  I needed someone to remind me that time was not the enemy here. Time was my friend.  Without my doula there to remind me that birth has no timeline, I was in a hurry to have this end. I was ready to move on to the next stage and I wasn’t ready to wait for my body to catch up. So, I fibbed and said the magic words that no one can resist getting excited over: “I feel like I need to push.”  The midwife checked me and said there was still a little bit of lip (cervical) there but I could start pushing if I felt like that was what I needed to do.  So, I did.  And an hour later – longer than both my first and second births – I was still pushing.

The reality is it had not been time for me to start pushing – I jumped the gun because I was tired.  And I was not relaxed in this moment.  Derek’s exhaustion and desire to wrap this little up was written all over his face.  I felt the same.  I knew Carter and Lily were awake downstairs and was worried about what they might be hearing.  By now, I’d been in the shower longer than I had while in labour with Lily and I was TERRIFIED that the hot water would run out.  This decision to start pushing, when I probably would have been better served to hold off until my body was pushing on its own, was a lesson that I pass along to anyone who will listen!  By starting to push early and while tense I (in my opinion) prolonged the pushing stage which exhausted me… which then made the pushing less effective… and so on.

The moment that makes it all worth it

He did join us, that baby of ours.  Just Derek and I in the shower as he came into the world.  We finally got to hear what we’d been dying to know for the last ten months – that he was a he!  The moment I’d been waiting for (besides baby being born, of course) was when I got to hand off the baby so I could stand up, shower everything off and climb into bed.  Anyone who’s birthed at home will tell you this is THE best part – and it really is!

If they’re being honest, I think each time a parent welcomes a second or third or fourth baby, there is a little bit of apprehension about whether they will love the new baby as much as the love the older ones.  And this was true for me, as well.  But when I was settled in bed and able to hold him and just look at him – it was instantaneous.  I was just completely enamored with him.  I remember Derek commenting: “Wow, you REALLY like him, don’t you?!”  And I did.  I felt the bond with him – third baby and all – immediately.  And not at a cost of my affection of the first two, which is really the true beauty of it, isn’t it?  There was absolutely a sense of completeness that hadn’t been there following my first two births. It was like the room was filled with wholeness and unity.

This had been my third birth.   My second homebirth.   And the first birth where I hadn’t used a doula. Where I’d pushed the longest. Where I didn’t feel like I’d conquered the world.  In all honesty, in the days that followed, I felt a little defeated.  When I told my former doula about this, she suggested I talk to the attending midwife and get her perspective. When I did this, her feelings about the birth, namely the pushing stage, was the same as mine: “You were tired, and you weren’t into it.  You weren’t as relaxed.”  Bang on.  I hadn’t been into it from the moment it had started - remember, I’d tried to “stop it.”  We’d been up for over 24 hours and were, rightfully, tired.  My mind was in other places (Derek’s needs, the big kids’ needs, the hot water supply) and it made me tense.  It just goes to show how important the environment and mental component of birth is.

Ultimately, the experience from this birth has significantly shaped how I approach birth as a doula – maybe more so than my first two.  With respect for the process and with a better understanding that birth is an entity distinct to that individual experience.  With the recognition that all births are unique, they don’t necessarily follow a pattern. And with, guess what, I know nothing about the specifics of this particular birth besides the fact that the baby will eventually come out!. 

This birth humbled me and, sometimes, the greatest lessons are ones learned from humility.  In hindsight, this birth was exactly what I needed it to be and, by recognizing this, there are no more feelings of defeat - only appreciation and peace. Now, what life would be like with three kids three and under? Well, that’s a whole different story!

My Best Labor Trick (That You Haven't Heard Of)

My Best Labor Trick

(That You Haven’t Already Heard Of)

There are a lot of tips and tricks out there that claim to help to lessen a woman's discomfort while in the birth process. If we're being honest, most of them are probably placebos (I'm TOTALLY cool with placebos if it helps though!).

Most of the time, implementing comfort tools results in the birther feeling more in control because they are actively "doing something" to provide relief. In my experience, it's a really good way of distracting the birther so they aren't hyper-focused on sensations coming and going - and this is, what I believe, what part of the success of those tricks.

With that being said, I do have one tried, tested and true birthy comfort tool that you probably haven’t heard about and that I absolutely swear by. I acknowledge that there’s a little bit of prep that goes into this but the result is magical and totally worth it. You’re going to need four, pretty common, household items.

Your Supplies

1) Face cloths. Quite a few (at least a dozen). They don’t need to be luxurious quality by any means. I use ones from the dollar store and they’re still holding up well 4 years later. I like to have about 20 on hand to be safe.

2) A crock pot. Pre-2018 and the rise of the Instant Pot and air fryer, the crock pot was everyone’s favourite kitchen gadget. But you’ve probably never used any of those gadgets like this!

3) Lavender essential oil. I know what you’re thinking. You’ve stumbled on this really awesome doula blog (thanks, by the way) that you LOVE because she seems just like you and now here she goes down the essential oil rabbit hole. Just breathe for a moment before you hastily hit the close button. I’ve used this technique myself and, you guys… it really works. So, please join me in welcoming Lavender Essential Oil to our birth teams. Just like you chose the best quality of people for your birth team, chose a good quality essential oil. You deserve the best.

4) Kitchen tongs. Self explanatory.

Execution

When you start the birth process, start boiling some water. Either one large pot or several medium sized pots. Once that water has boiled, transfer it to your crock pot. Fill up the crock pot with regular hot tap water (this will bring the temperature down so it’s not scalding).

Add your face cloths. All of them. Don’t cut corners. There’s no point saving ‘em. Go ahead. Put them all in there.

Add roughly 20 drops of your lavender essential oil (start with less and if you need more, add it).

Put the lid on the crock pot and set to either low or hot depending on whether your crock pot runs warm or not. Check it (or have someone on your birth team) intermittently to ensure it’s hot enough. Add more boiling water or turn up the temperature setting if it isn’t hot enough.

What To Do With It

When your water is hot and the lavender and face cloths infused, remove one face cloth (with tongs to avoid anyone sticking their hand into a crock pot of hot water - this is a great job for your partner!). Wring out excess water from the face cloth and place it where you’re feeling your sensations (whether it’s in the front of your abdomen or in your back or your thighs… wherever! for the duration of the sensation. Remove at the end of the sensation and place face clothback in the crock pot to reheat. Repeat the process however many times necessary, cycling through all of the face cloths so that you’re getting a hot one each time.

When To Use

Don’t use this one right off the start line. It’s one of those things that would fall under the “save the best for last” category. If you’re at the point where you’re questioning your ability to cope, it’s time.

Why It Works

Lavender is known to promote relaxation and pain relief. Relaxation is key (physically and mentally) as it helps a woman settle into birth, allowing sensations to come and go without tensing up - which can hinder progress. The heat from hot water can help your body release endorphins (your natural pain killer, what what).

And there you have it! I’ve been waiting a long time to share this little trick of mine. I hope you find the same relief with it that I - and dozens of my clients - have. Happy birthing, boss!